First posted on Facebook Notes in 2017 through my personal Facebook account.
Ever since I enrolled into Facebook in 2007 I have been fascinated with the aspect of “Friends.” Probably everyone can attest that the greatest value of Facebook is reconnecting with friends. It was fun to see what had become of classmates from high school and college. And it was interesting to see who was connecting to me. I would have considered myself long forgotten but acquaintances from my past emerged. They remembered me for a reason, sometimes showing an aspect of myself that I had never noticed.
Before going further on this topic, I must say that I am rather cautious about who I connect to as a “Friend”. I did not go on a rampage and connect every person I encountered into my Facebook orbit. So, unlike some who have thousands of “friends”, I have only 450. Gee, only 450. And, sad to say, I can’t keep up with all of them.
It is a peculiar aspect of friendship that time and space have to work together. Our list of friends tend to be a function of proximity and the economical use of our time. So it is that a large number of my current list of friends in Facebook are folks I encounter on a regular basis, whether at work, at church or in the neighborhood. Facebook has addressed both time and space by making it easy to get in touch and to literally reach around the globe. But those cyber-relationships are based on a physical encounter in our past.
What is a Friend?
In my musing on this subject I came across an article where the author was discussing the relationship between CS Lewis and Aristotle on the subject of friendship. He provided a beautiful description of friendship:
Yet, the truth of the matter is that friendship is a divine and heavenly gift, especially when one has friends that are based around pursuing that which is good, true, and beautiful.
I must say that I am blessed to have many friends who would resemble that statement. Yet, the measure of true friendship is sometimes loving them when they do not. I call them friends not because they deserve it, but because it is an act of grace. And, interestingly enough, the more deeply I know a person I eventually encounter a moment in their life when they are not pursuing the “good, true and beautiful.” But it is the true test of friendship to be there for someone when they least deserve it, when it is not easy or enjoyable. That especially applies to me, for I have said and done things that were not good, true or beautiful. True friends helped me see that and helped me move forward through forgiveness and wise advice.
It is, in fact, one of the deepest truths of marriage that “friendship” will have to be addressed. The relationship will evolve from infatuation and the erotic, to the ordinary and routine. This special friendship will have to move forward and it will hopefully be in the pursuit of things which are good, true and beautiful. But, alas, along the way we will have to put up with a spouse who makes mistakes, does crazy things, is not always candid and appears less beautiful. That’s when a different kind of love kicks in, one based on grace and a filial bond. I think the word “trust” comes into this discussion.
And — sorry to say — not a depth of a relationship one often sees posted to a Facebook timeline — unless it is a cry for help.
But without exception, my “friends” on my personal Facebook page have had a special moment in my life, each contributing an element of joy. I scan over the list and discover that I have great memories of wonderful people. I am blessed, indeed.
Yet, Facebook is a communication medium in much the same way as the local newspaper. So it is that my public Facebook page has a different idea of “friend.” In this case, a friend is anyone interested in a connection. I accept everyone as my friend and in the process get a glimpse of wild-west, global cybernetic chaos. So it is I have encountered numerous “fake accounts” and what I call “baiting accounts,” the attempt to lure you into a relationship for some ulterior purpose.
In some ways my public Facebook page is an aspect of what the young encounter. I noticed that they may have thousands of friends, an obvious indication that they do not know what friends are. They connect with anyone with the remotest of acquaintance. The tragic consequence is that some of those friends are predatory, if not criminal. And, sadly, they don’t outgrow this exposure as they enter into adulthood.
So Why do We Disconnect?
As noted above, the fun part of Facebook is reconnecting with friends. And our original disconnection is explained by the circumstances of life, moving into various circles based on proximity and time. I think we all would love to keep in touch with all our past acquaintances, but it is impossible to do so.
Yet why do we disconnect, in the same way, with our Facebook friends? Yes — those “friends” who you happen to never see in your Facebook Home page. At one point, they fell victim to the “profile” you had unknowingly generated that fed into a Facebook algorithm that then presented to you the people whose postings they thought you would be most interested in seeing. Blame the technology. But the technology is based on the time you spend corresponding with someone. Even an innocent “like” can shape a “network” of close friends.
Yes — it does come again, does it? Time and proximity. An old codger like me who jumps into Facebook briefly once a day or so is not going to spend a great deal of time looking at the past 48 hours of postings. Nor does he have a Facebook app on his tablet or phone (because I guard my contacts). So it is I have observed over the years that the very same people I lost connection to in the physical world are hard to connect with in the cyber world. What brings us together? What is it we share that would draw us closer? There it goes again, the thing that bonds us is the physical proximity, the human dynamic of truly knowing a person cares about me. “Likes” do not cut it. Love does.
And then there are the macro forces at work, those hidden influences that determine whether we care to be in Facebook in the first place. Facebook has undergone some tectonic shifts in the past two years. People do not trust it and it has been ill-used by forces that are in most ways beyond their control, if not the product of the technology they invented. Just as economic forces led us to part ways with classmates and leave to other parts of the world, so the forces the lurk in “the Net” have shaped our desire to communicate over Facebook.
Finally, I must confess that there are a few rules that still apply on Facebook as in real life. Respect is one of them. When I share an opinion, I don’t expect degrading and foul language. Yet I have received it. I don’t like it and you may be axed because of it. It isn’t that I don’t like you. It is because Facebook is not the place for our relationship to continue. It would be better over a cup of coffee or tea at Lakota Coffee House.
The Solution
Focus on One Friend a Day
Mulling over this subject gave me an idea. I imported my list of friends into a spreadsheet and developed a random number generator that selected a friend. Number 150 came up. Interesting. He was one of the first I had added to my list of friends in Facebook way back in 2008. Mr G was connected to me by only one physical encounter over twenty years previous! He is the brother of my brother-in-laws’ wife and we had this common bond of being two rather quiet men at a wedding reception where we hardly knew anyone outside of immediate family. We struck it off and I found him fun and likeable. His sister certainly loves him.
I always thought I would love to get to know his family better. They were certainly a fun group at the wedding and they have been great with my brother-in-laws’ family. But over all those years he had his life in Cajun Louisiana and I had mine in Missouri and later in Alaska. We have never seen each other since.
So what I did is spent some time looking over his photos and postings. His life is somewhere between Duck Dynasty and Young Life camp. Wow — talk about kids without number. Photos abound with activity for his kids and their friends, extended family and sports. And yes, they wear camo in some of the pictures.
It is a life that I wish I had experienced — if I were God! Truth is, I have lots of friends who have built lots of wonderful relationships and experiences. They have married, had kids, and filled their days with activity. I would have loved to have been close to them during those years. But, alas, we can’t. We get disconnected.
So, the solution is to take some time and see what is happening in a person’s life. Nice thing about Facebook, you can do this in fifteen minutes. Send them a note and tell them you think of them and why you still cherish their friendship.
The Facebook Party
Once in a while a Facebook Party pops up. The most memorable was back in 2008 or so when a friend in Columbia, knowing I was coming down from Alaska, offered her home and kitchen to a “Facebook Party.” The peculiar thing about Facebook parties is that the host has no idea who was connecting to whom, only the total count. About two dozen people showed up to this ad hoc, short-notice gathering bringing along a potluck dish. It was great to see my old friends again. But to be honest, I just sat back and watched unfold before me the unbelievable consequences of that gathering. Little did I know that amongst my network of friends were many in the room who had not seen their friends in decades (and had not yet connected in Facebook)! What a joy to see old friends reunited! It will undoubtedly go down as one of my most cherished memories.
Intentional Networking
I travel a lot, as do many of my friends, and my range of friendships is global. I also have been battling computer vision syndrome for the past ten years, so the time I spend on the computer has to be economical. So I simply can’t spend a lot of time on social media. For that reason, one thing I do is intentionally inventory who it is I will be near. Remember the importance of time and proximity. If I am in New Orleans, I look up friends in the area and seek them out.
We can do that in our everyday lives, noting who it is we will be near. Intentionality includes knowing who is going through life events, such as marriages, births, illness, tragedies and death. Again, covering all 450 of my friends simply would not work, but I can focus on those who I know I will be near.
Final Thought
Even Jesus had to tell his friends that he could not be with them always. So don’t be hard on yourself if you discovered a “friend” had died, or underwent a traumatic event in their lives, and you somehow missed it. You are not divine. Don’t be discouraged. Be true to those you are near, and do what you can to remain connected. Have a seat amongst your circle of friends.
Resources
“C.S. Lewis and Aristotle: On Friendship”, Philosophia, Clint Perry, August 2007
Addendum
As noted above, this article was posted years ago through Facebook Notes. The story was lost for several years because Facebook had terminated the Notes platform in 2020 and the original document was no where to be found. You can read the story about how this story was rediscovered.
Some things have changed. First, my public Facebook site no longer collects or communicates through “Friends”, but “Followers”. This allows folks to maintain some level of anonymity. I discovered that using the “Friends” approach allowed perfect strangers to intrude into the same space as that of people I knew and trusted. While I took every precaution to protect information from the public, it was awkward, confusing, and somewhat risky. So all my “Friends” were banished from the public site, replaced by “Followers.”
I mentioned above that I did not have Facebook on my phone. Alas, I compromised. What pushed me over the edge was Facebook Marketplace.
Finally, the shortcoming of Facebook back then is still a problem now. It would be nice to have some means of filtering Friends data. I have yet to discover a means of finding everyone I know in Michigan without having to set up a special list and manually step through the entire roster and add people to the list who I believe live in Michigan.